I wish

I wish I could tell you, but I can’t.

It’s midnight. Cold is creeping through my window as I sit on an old, forgotten stool in a corner of an empty room. And I wish. I wish for many things lately, but it is all in vain.

I’m trying to handle a lot of things, and I want to tell you everything. I want to tell you about the fantasies I have about you and me and the memories I constantly recall trying to keep myself together on car rides. When I’m alone, but not alone enough. There are people around me, but they are not with me. And I guess I’d rather be just alone all the time now. It’s not that I don’t love you anymore, believe me… I do. It’s just that it takes too much energy, and you have so little patience. I just take it in.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

See? It’s not that hard. But it is.

And I don’t tell you about anything because it’s just too much work. It used to be easy. You were my first choice when I wanted to talk to people, but now I go to Blah Therapy to talk to strangers who don’t really care. It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just that trusting you has taken a toll on my heart. I feel sick even saying it.

I feel sick all the time. I feel nauseated by life. (I’m listening to the 1-800-something song by Logic that I told you to hear. It makes me feel nice and warm inside when I’m sad. That’s the most I do when I’m feeling like I’m feeling now. It feels like a hot cup of chocolate on a snowy winter.)

I don’t tell you about the little things because then you’ll want to talk about it. You aren’t mindless like Pinterest posts, mind-numbing like watching Netflix, distracting like reading the Harry Potter books or hopeful like Tumblr. But there it is. I didn’t even tell you about that. I created a Tumblr to make myself more known as a writer. It’s secret, of course. It has to be. But you would say congratulations, and then be smart about it. That’s just it. You’re smart. You’re a problem solver. You’re a planner. I’m not. I want mindless, mind-numbing, distracting and hopeful conversations. I want to imagine and not worry.

But it’s time to worry. It’s time to plan. It’s time to problem-solve. It’s time to be smart. And you embody everything that I’ve been avoiding for many years. You are what I want to become but am scared of becoming.

I guess what I want to say is… “I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it”.

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